I saw him again for the first time in months. Before seeing him today I thought I was past being upset and angry. It is over, done, and nothing can be changed. It amazed me how quickly the old feelings surfaced after I thought they were “gone”. His affront occurred many months ago and was exacerbated by his denial he had done anything worthy for me to be upset about – and indeed he contended I was wrong for putting negative energy into the mix.
Once again I have to face my humanity, my less than ideal humanity. Why, I stood there asking myself, can I not let this go? And the word that came back through my brain was pride. I had just given Chris (our youngest son age 24) a humorous birthday card the other day that began with “We are a proud, proud family…” Truth in humor. I have taken pride in my work, I have taken pride in my ability to deal well with others. Yet I must admit to myself that pride is a deep rooted trait in me, and this incident has hurt my pride. This betrayal stung me deeply. And it was not handled well by others out of my control.
So what to do about it? Back I come to the internal work of trying to let go of it – trying to give it over, yet again, to God to take care of. The season tells me “Time to repent”… Repent – turn back to… It is time for me to turn back to the way God wants me to live my life. Turn back to face the future – not to worry about the past.
I get far too busy worrying about other people’s lives and spend lots of time thinking about what others should do, should feel, should express and especially how life and God should treat them. Futile, energy wasting, circular thoughts. In the Gospels Jesus’ questions and remarks kept focusing his friends away from considering others – asking them “what is that to you?” It is time for me to repent yet again and focus on walking my talk, living my life as I say I should, as I know I should. Distancing the anger and hurt others have caused. I have to remember to keep my focus on getting where God is calling me. I recall the hymn Turn back O man forswear thy foolish ways. Head into the future not back into the past. Turn back back O man, repent, even yet again.